So, how's the June 2nd Resolution working out so far them? Well, not too good, actually. Let me break it down point by point.
After I wrote the resolution (after which I felt very good, somehow), I went to bed slightly earlier than the days before; but more importantly, I set the alarm clock to 1 P.M. This was partially because of the resolution, but mostly because I wanted to attend a basketball tournament.
I did get up around 1, and I did feel pretty good. However, the weather sucked, so I didn't feel like attending the (outdoor) tournament anymore. I cancelled, and stayed home for a bit. After a couple of hours (during which the weather had cleared up a little), I decided to go to my homecourt to shoot some hoops. I stayed the rest of the day and didn't feel too bad untill I got tired and grumpy at night, right before I went home (but that's not too bad).
The next two days, I failed pretty much completely—I got up around 3. The cause of this brings me to the second point.
Was I tired after getting up around 1 and then playing basketball all day? Pretty much, yeah. Did I go to bed earlier because of that? Fuck no. Did this change the next day? Nuh-uh.
How about doing things then; did that improve? Not really, no. First there was the basketball tournament that I cancelled. Sure, it was because of the bad weather, but I could have went anyway—I didn't. The next day, I was invited to a barbecue/beach party with a lot of friends; but I decided to play basketball all day instead. I even had dinner on the basketball court. Later that night, I was invited again (this time to go dancing in town), but I backed out again.
Today, Dan-Vi invited me to have dinner at her place with Jurriaan and Elvira, but that was an absolute no-no
—I'll explain why later.
Er... I have to call my doctor, still. I could make an addition to my resolution here: solve my problems.
Yep, this one I most certainly actively practiced. It worked like magic after I posted the resolution; I felt like a million bugs. The morning after, I tried not to analyze how bad I was feeling, but think about all the fun things I could be doing that day instead. This was mildly spoiled by the not so great weather, but I tried to not let that be of any influence—I think I managed pretty well. At the end of the day, a somewhat tragic event took place: Enrique hurt his knee real bad during a game of one-on-one against Brian—I'd never seen the big man cry before. Even this didn't cause me to freak out, though—the opposite is true—I offered to call an ambulance and when he expressed he didn't want one, I got Mikey to get some ice for him. Cool like Fonzie.
The next day I was feeling somewhat more numb (not tired, in the sense of sleepy) than the day before, but this changed around quickly when I played a game of two-on-two with Mikey against two Chinese guys that were on our homecourt. I had them searching for the ball quite a few times, and our shots were dropping. The weather was great, too. It was a lot of fun. Later that day, Enrique came by; walking normal, but not being able to play. The fact that he could walk normally was more than I expected, really, so that was a good thing.
Today sucked! About two hours or so after I got out of bed (and I was about to have dinner) I started to have a major anxiety attack. I knew what was going on, so I decided to find some distraction. When trying to sleep, and playing a computer game didn't work (at all), I decided to go and play basketball. My mom emphasized the fact that I hadn't eaten dinner and that it was raining, but I couldn't care less.
While I was playing basketball (in the rain) I still felt weak, but the other (far more scary and annoying) aspects of anxiety pretty much cleared up. After some time, so did the weather. A lot of kids that I know from this neighborhood that I've got to know joined me with basketball. We played some games of eleven,
twenty-one,
and two-on-two.
I had a tough time concentrating (keeping score and things), but I didn't feel terrible—and that what the main reason I was there.
During the moments I was by my myself, just shooting hoops, I became aware a few times that I was writing for my weblog and thinking of certain web standard issues again (which resulted in this entry and will result in some interesting technical entries in the near future). I was completely distracted, and yet completely focused—both my mind and body were doing what they do best; which is working out and solving problems, respectively. The longer I stayed, the better I was feeling. I got home close to midnight (without eating or resting) feeling somewhat nervous, but doing infinitely better than before I went outside.
In retrospect; where did I fail, and what can I do to not fail again? Well, as you can see, I flunked pretty much all of it, and my anxiety marathon of today could be considered a fall back to zero. This doesn't mean I can't work with this—quite the contrary—one has to learn from his or her mistakes.
Do I know why I had anxiety today? Was it because I didn't meet the points of my resolution, was it because of the death of guy I knew from chat that was announced to me last night, or was it just the bad weather? Perhaps it was a combination... or perhaps something completely different. I do not know the answer, but quite frankly, it shouldn't really matter—I do know that a messed biorythm and a negative mindset are not going to help. In any event, living up to the resolution sounds like a healthy thing to do, and so I will have to try a bit harder.
I've got nine more days to the Bowie concert, and then I've got the rest of a life time to work on myself. There is no stress (mutiple puns intended).
To be continued...
ACJ2 comments so far.
Just my 2 cents...
Shouldn't be considered a "fall back to zero". The fact you've made a resolution/iist and are atleast trying - means a step backwards isn't going back to zero.
(if that makes sense..)
Posted by: Libby on June 5, 2004, at 04:20
Yeah, perhaps you're right, and it does make sense. Thanks. ☺
Posted by: ACJ on June 5, 2004, at 04:43