Yesterday I had my collective review for this semester at the Academy. Ofcourse, the head graphic design took the word and started very negative (because I didn't do a very important assignment), but after a minute or so he gave the word to me, asking me how I pictured what to be next. I said I didn't see it was up to me to decided what were to be next, but that I could explain why the things are like they are... and that's it's kind of difficult for me to say but that I was going to try anyway. And so I started, and went pretty much all-out. I told them how I'd been suffering from a rather dramatic depression for the past three months, and how I was never able to explain what it was untill recently (because of newly found contact with my father, who suffers from the same thing). When I felt I was done with my story (I have no idea how long I'd been talking), I lifted up my head and saw that some of the teachers —well, most— didn't see this comming at all. They looked pretty shocked, actually. Anyway, they were very supportive and the rest was not about my work, but about me and me health. They adviced me to talk to the school council and a psychologist, and to take all the time I need. School —as the head graphic design said‐ was now to be on second place. I replied it's been so this entire semester alreay anyway (I still make sarcastic jokes when I feel like shit).
My feelings about it afterwards were pretty mixed. I felt relieved in the first place, but also weak, tired, naked, yet strong. All in all I think it's save to say I did the right thing, and that's also what they (the teachers) said.
I got a lot of support afterwards. Especially from Roos en Dan-Vi. My father also called just to ask how I was doing (he had no idea I was having my collective review that day). I had a pretty good dicussion with him aswell. A lot of things seem so more clear lately. It makes it rediculously easy to talk about suddenly.
After I hang around with my classmmates at the Academy for a while, some of us went to my favorite pub (which I hadn't been to for months... which is very weird for me). I drank two whiskeys (Oban), which been a first in months aswell (usually I drink whiskey about 1 to 6 times a week). During the enjoyment of my whiskey I had a discussion about design, art, the academy, and all thing related, with Jurriaan. It's one of the best discussion about these subject I've had (in a long time, at least), and also one of the best —if not the best discussion I've ever had with Jurriaan. Too bad that after a while I really started to feel like shit again. I could still follow his words, and participate in the discussion, but my sight was changing and so was the feeling in my head. I decided to leave the alcohol alonbe for a few hours and get some rest.
I went home and took a nap for a few hours. I was woken up by my cellular phone... it was Dan-Vi with some computer question that were kind of hard to follow with my tired head. I stayed in bed for hours while being awake untill I got an SMS from Roos, asking me if I was comming to the party at Nico's place (we planned to go there earlier that day). I got dressed, brushed my teeth, and went on my way.
While I was twalking outside, I called Casper to ask where Nico's place is exactly, but I got Suus on the phone instead.
I asked her whether she knew, but she told me that they weren't there and were thinking of going into town instead.
I had tried to call Roos first, by the way, but she didn't answer.
Then I realized I had probably been dialing a wrong number, and tried again.
Success, she answered, but she then handed the phone to Nico to have him explain.
While I was talking to Nico, Casper called back, so I said ciao
to Nico and talked to casper.
He was trying to get me to join them (Casper and some girls) into town.
I told him people were waiting for me at Nico's place, but that I would try to get them to come with me and join Casper and the others in town.
I also told him that it would also depend on Roos, because she was about to spend the night at my place.
Once I found Nico's place I realized it would have been easier if I wouldn't have taken the tram (his place is like a 15 minute walk from my home). I felt pretty good at Nico's place. I talked a lot, listened even more, and drank a lot of red wine. I also talked about my problems and my depression to Merel (who I hadn't seen for quite a while). She was pretty shocked as she had never seen that side of me (which makes sense since she, well... has never seen that side of me). I think it was all the talking that kept from getting drunk, because I really drank quite a lot, it had been ages since I drank any alcohol, and I hadn't eaten all day (all reasons to get drunk).
I think it was about 5 in the morning when Roos and I finally left (being the last ones still there, with a host that was drunk... as usual). While we were walking to my place (which was through 2 supposed no-go areas... whatever) Roos was talking about her ex-boyfriend, and I did a lot of listening and some supporting.
When we arrived at my place, I made the bed for Roos, but she insisted that she would sleep on the couch. Weird... I think it's the first time somebody turns down my bed, making me end up on the cough. I felt bad about taking the best spot, being the host, but I wasn't able to convince her.
I couldn't catch sleep at all, stayed up all night, but I did rest. My thought finally had some structure —like stories... almost a movie— in my mind, and that felt very pleasant. When the alarm clock on Roos' cellular phone went off I got up to put it out, and then went to make some tea. We drank tea, talked a little (nothing too heavy), ate some, and then headed for the tram (it was about 9, I think).
We said bye... she left... I went home. I figured it'd be in my best interest if I'd try to catch some sleep afterall, and so I went to bed again. I watched TV for some time, and then fell asleep (I think it was around 10AM).
My mother woke me up around 6PM. I had dinner, got dressed, and was on my to guitar ensemble (which starts at 7). Playing went pretty well, but I didn't feel like sticking around afterwards for very long. Annemie told me I don't look to good, and so she got piece of my story. They wished me the best of luck, and I went home.
I was supposed to have a drink with Dan-Vi and Jurriaan tonight, but we all feel like shit. Heh.
11:28PM